Twenty-two——bewilderment

This is my first time to write a post in English. There are three advantages.

  • I can deliver my message to whom I really want to tell.

  • It’s a way to prepare for my CET4 exam.

  • Jumping between two input methods is annoying.

In the future, there will be more and more posts like this. Due to my poor writing vocabulary (less than 4000, while my reading & listening is nearly 15000), readers who have passed the CET4 exam might be enough to read the following text.

Last night I learned that my high school classmate ymq won Noether Award, a math prize for female enthusiasts in high school. I’m really grateful for her achievement and winning the glory for cdqz. However, it is her first sentence that stimulates me and makes me in deep thought.

I hope that in future, I could have my own shining star in the galaxy of mathematics.

To be a mathematician is a dream of my childhood. In fact, I truly have some talent in math. I started to learn math olympiad in grade 4 and spend a lot of time in it. Thus, I read less books than before and my Chinese grades dropped. Although the imbalance of grades exists, I still entered my middle school with the highest scholarship. In middle school, I met Mr. Li, a senior math teacher with wisdom and insight. His lively teaching way and systematic guidance rose my horizon, making me more interested in it. Unfortunately, for many untold reasons, I didn’t take part in any kind of formal math competitions. Instead, my poor Chinese was a pain in neck, which wasted a lot of time and energy.

What made me back to reality and smashed my dream was the summer camp in cdqz. I could never find the reason why I could get the 1st place in dc summer camp while getting only 8 points here. I first found that involution has already started. The strength of olympiad in Chengdu is far more than my middle school. I wonder if I start my middle school life in Chengdu and the teacher prospects my talent, maybe there would be an another result. I also ask myself if I didn’t go to cdqz and instead followed Mr. Tan, a well-rounded coach in high school math olympiad who stuck to retaining me. Till now, I still cannot forget some words he has told me.

The start of competition has relationship with your basis, whereas time pasts, when everyone has learnt what it needs, the discrepancy would be vanished. What’s more, you could even have a chance to catch up with others.

So what exactly smashed my dream? My poor Chinese? Undeveloped education? Or the involution? I don’t know. But the unbalanced resources continued to confine me to go further in OI, so I AFOed quickly. Also, my fragmented knowledge in natural science (except math) made me painful in class and nearly No. 50 rank in almost every examinations. That’s one of my reasons I quitted high school in senior 2.

……

It’s been nearly 2 months since I entered scu. The fresh of college life has gone. What takes place is the heavy workload, increased difficulty and higher standard of every professional courses. Someone may consider this is the feeling of “bewilderment”, cause many high school teachers may tell students that they will be liberated after entering college. But this is not the case, instead I got accustomed the college style quickly.

What makes me really confused is the unnecessary activities you have to take part in. There are already many time-consuming projects such as 8-second positive energy from politics, drama play from English, brain-fucking experiments from Introduction to Computer Systems and so on. I didn’t join the students’ union to avoid meaningless tasks. However, more activities such as chorus competitions, welcoming parties which require quota on participants and actors are too annoying.

For me, I need a lot of time to focus on a specific thing like working out math problems. I just want to sit in front of the computer and learn for a whole day with a break of sports. Too many tasks and activities can affect my efficiency of working. I complained this to my father, he told me that the university is a miniature of society, you need to get used to tackle many trivial matters like these, yet I think university is mainly a place for academic learning and I disagreed his opinion.

So please cherish the last year of your senior high. It’s truly the purest time of your whole life.

Another thing is the distance between my dream and the reality. I’m very suitable for my current profession because I’m skilled in math, English and programming. Also, I’m satisfied with my current place and my family are proud of me. However, the path to my dream becomes more and more blurred and my avarice for money (I believe a high salary is waiting for me) prevents me from achieving it. Maybe in the rest of my life I could only daydream it, which makes me feel gloomy with a bit of melancholy.

Lastly, I sincerely congratulate her and hope her could achieve the dream. After all, unlike olympiad which tests agility and cleverness, learning serious math requires very tough work, at least 10 times harder than my profession. I also hope myself could get out of the woods and reach a new altitude. At that time, maybe I will find the way to my dream again.